you know how in some video games you’ll get an animal companion that follows you every where? i thought it was cute until it started happening IRL with this fucking dog. My parent’s dog literally follows me everywhere and when i’m not moving he just sits there and either looks at me or sleeps. i went to take a shower and he fell asleep outside the bathroom door waiting for me. like go the fuck away. go away!!
i have never read anything so ungrateful in my lifetime
This one time at work, I was training someone and the system froze so I decided to have some small talk and I asked her if she had any kids or anything (she was older) and she started crying. She asked me if it was cool if she went to take a walk to get some air and I told her okay because I mean what was I supposed to say? Anyways, she came back clearly still upset and told me that her husband left her for one of her daughters.
After that, I kept all my conversations strictly work related.
👀
Bitch whet
I once had a customer ask for a drink and asked me to add extra vodka because she had a bad day. I had the bartender do it for free (because my brother was bartending) and I brought it back and asked her what was her bad day (because usually it’s like work sucked, just a long day, or they work at the hospital nearby) and her sister shook her head at me and the customer goes “our dad died today” and I just went “oh my god do you want some soup” because I’m an idiot
One thing I like about Pixar films is how the happy ending isn’t always what you think it’ll be. The toys don’t go with Andy to college, Gusteau’s restaurant gets closed down, Mike and Sully get kicked out of university, Carl never gets Ellie to Paradise Falls. But they find out that what they wanted isn’t necessarily what they needed, and I really like the fact that kids get to learn that life doesn’t always turn out the way they dreamed and that’s okay.
I remember reading this post a couple years back, and the message stuck with me since
how the FUCK did they make that penguin from wallace and gromit look so evil like it’s literally just a plasticine penguin but it somehow radiates Pure Malice look at it
here’s a hot take… grapefruit is the most bastardous of all fruits. it tastes terrible, you cant go near it if you’re on certain medications, and they are aesthetically overhyped. now the humble raspberry, now thats a fruit worth talking about
Did I ever tell u guys about the time my ex legitimately thought he killed me with his dick???
Ok so picture this I’m 18 and excited about sex, trying out some new positions. We are having sex in a pretty similar position to this
And my pussy is so wet it might as well be a god damn Slip N Slide ok. And he’s pounding at it fast and hard but slips out and goes to go right back in… But something is wrong. He’s about to enter….
The. Wrong. Hole.
And my eyes widen, I go to shout “noooo!!!!” But it’s all happening too fast. He thrusts right into my unlubed asshole and I scream like murder and leap right up onto my feet.
We had only been dating a couple of months at this time and there was something very important he did not know about me: I am a chronic fainter. If I’m in pain or if I see my own blood, I will pass the fuck out. I get real quiet and turn to him and say, “I am going to pass out.”
He doesn’t know I’m serious, he thinks I’m just being emotional, and he’s like “no baby come here” but as he finishes that sentence i faint and my head ping pongs off my metal bed frame, onto the wall and then finally my whole body falls on the ground.
He has never seen anybody faint before and naturally assumes I’m dead. A couple minutes later I awaken to him sobbing into my naked chest. Like this motherfucker really thought he sent me to the grave with some accidental anal sex.
SIMONE I AM YELLING
Joining tumblr was worth it just to read this. I didn’t make a terrible mistake 9 years ago, after all.
